There comes a time in every blogger's life when he has to stick his neck on the line. Thousands of years from now, when Fantasy Football historians look back, and apply a microscopic analytical lens to Gameweek 33 of the 2014/15 season, as they inevitably will, it will be much to the irrepressible glee and tearful pride of my eventual descendants that I demonstrated the temerity to conduct the following outlandishly brilliant transfers, the syllogism behind which I will, of course, also provide for you to laud, appropriate and/or ape as you see fit. If you hadn't noticed, I cracked the top 8,000 (0.2%) in FPL this week and am consequently replete with hubris and verbosity. The cock-sure gait with which I'm currently perambulating around my ends (your view of my ebullient swagger is obscured because I'm cunningly hidden behind my superfluously massive laptop screen, and also because of the space-time continuum) will either continue unabated this weekend or come to a grinding ignominious halt - such is the dichotomous nature of the upcoming Gameweek. A severely truncated 14 teams compete. A plethora of household names are forcibly swept onto the sidelines, many of whom promise to come back in force in Double Gameweeks ahead. Therein lies the Deep Heat rub. Do you dare drop them before (Cazorla) or while (Benteke) they're hot? Can Leicester save your Fantasy bacon; can they propel you to glory; or will they drown you in shame and public ridicule? Is laughing gas the answer to all of your problems? Some of these questions and others nothing like them will be answered... in the following soliloquy.
Foxes Tick the Boxes
Watching the golf and Harrison Ford hasn't hit a single fairway.
Whether you find that funny or not is irrelevant. I'm here to talk about Gary Lineker's favourite joke of all time - Leicester City. They've won two on the trot and - far more importantly for our purposes - have scored 8 in their last 3 games [queue gasps]. Of the teams actually playing this weekend, only Man Utd have managed more (9).
They also have a Double Gameweek IMMEDIATELY following this one - that shit is crucial. You should have three Chelsea players by now anyway and if not, get your groove on. Arsenal and Sunderland, on t'other hand, must wait until GW37 before their power play so bringing some Lie-Chester players in gives you time to re-arrange before then (albeit by taking a points hit) and take advantage of all the double-stuffed Oreos Gameweeks on offer.
Odds of Oreos sending me Oreos for product placement: Practically zero.
Number of fucks I give: See above.
Captain Marvel
Sergio Aguero (12.4) -- Man City | WHU (H)
The HarriKane's lost his magic and Tottenham's season is over (apart from the imminent purposeful tank to avoid the Wafer League) so we're regrettably forced to look elsewhere. RIP #AlwaysCaptainKane. Who did we used to #AlwaysCaptain? Oh yeh...
I've been-Aguero bashing for a while now because he's been drawing blanks for five weeks and Costa's simply been better. But now Costa's crocked again and Kun's back on the map with a meaningless (not in Fantasy though, eh bitches?) bracelet in the derby, and their next opponents relegation-clear Rest Ham are back to sinking ways.
It's slim pickin's this weekend but those sans Aguero can take armband solace in the soothing - if slightly moley - arms of City teammate and magic man Dave Wood (9.8) (Latin translation). His home form has been stunning of late - 37 points in three matches. THIRTY SEVEN POINTS! Dios mio. Pick him over Aguero if you're feeling feisty.
Have you ever seen Will Arnett and David Silva in the same room? Thought not.
Buy Low
James Vardy (4.5) and David Nugent (4.9) -- Leicester | SWA (H)
As aforementioned, I'm going balls deep on Foxes for the next fortnight. Don't wait up. They've got the Swans at home (sounds like a benign venereal disease) followed by a boozy double-entendre-filled emotional rollercoaster of a weekend switching between the Clarets and the Blues. Provided all this doesn't kill them, it should mean big returns irrespective of Leicester's usual status as Fantasy shit-munchers.
Vardy and Nugent can provide the kind of points haul you saw from Benteke and Austin last double gameweek - they just probably won't. Even so, they've both been amongst the points recently and you shouldn't make the mistake of missing out on dat high ceiling DGW potential - If they both go off on one and you have Giroud, Sanchez et al. just effetely warming your bench, you'll be left scratching your head and doing that painful imaginary count of all the points you coulda had if only you'd been brave like me.
I'm hocking in Austin and Bentekkers - creamy fraiche as they've been for me recently - in the hope of big fat things. The points those lads got me are in the bank - I ain't married to 'em. I'm moving on to bigger, better, considerably riskier things. Just because something's in vogue doesn't mean it's a good idea going forwards.
OK so he's not mega super Towelie high or anything but he plays every game, is Arsenal's second top points scorer and is currently the eighth best Fantasy midfielder - plus the Gunners have a DGW in four weeks. Nevertheless, I (and from the looks of it many other savvy tactitioners) have opted to trade him in for Absolutely Fabregas (9.2).
Cazorla's been pretty limp dick in Fantasy lately and anyone aiming to have three Arses in their side for their DGW37 (i.e. anyone hoping to do well) should ideally be looking at Giroud, Sanchez, Ramsey and/or a defensive option.
Saint Charlie's just too pricey at 8.5 to justify his 3.3 (repeating, of course)-point average over the last six matches.
If you've never seen Leeroy Jenkins, learn to use Youtube. Also you're very welcome.
Fool's Gold
Anyone not playing for a Double Gameweek team
At this stage you may like the look of an in-form player who'd usually be a bargain. These players are the "healthy" fruit smoothies" of Fantasy Football and will not provide bang for their sugar-full buck.
Maybe you fancy whetting your whistle with a Pardew-infused Bolasie (5.5; 24 Gluten-Free points in his last match) or an LVG-inspired Young (4.9; Finally starting regularly on the left wing and producing extra Agave nectar).
You might even think these players are no-brainers. Unthink that, slap your mind around a little bit and - in the words of the forgettably Canadian Mike Myers - BeHAVE, Baby. A no-brainer is bringing in a player who's going to play twice instead of once. Such opportunities are golden in Fantasy and most teams will have to take massive point deductions in the coming weeks as it is.
Drake realises his 'no-brainer' PR move has caused severe and irrevocable psychological damage
